I was really down last night… mentioned to Renea that I just felt like disappearing, becoming a missing person statistic because that way I don’t have to face everything that was/is going on in my life…

 

I also mentioned to her that I sometimes wished that I had a partner, someone to lean on, someone to share the burden with, someone to tell me it’s going to be ok…

 

I then had the same conversation this morning with Chris… just want to feel loved and supported… feel that someone has my back and will share my burden with me…

 

 

After my phone call with Chris this morning I sat and was thinking about things… Since waking, it had been playing around in my mind that I needed to listen to Jason and start reading the bible each day, really focus on God, and grow my faith…

 

So I’m sitting there thinking about all the things I spoke to Renea and Chris about and once again I remembered that I should be reading the bible…

 

In order for me to do that I needed the following:

 

1. It needed to be an app that I can read on my phone, computer, and iPad

2. It had to be in written and audio format so I could read or listen or both…

3. It had to guide me with what to read/listen to each day because me and decisions don’t do well…

 

When it comes to my faith in those things, it’s easy. I flip open my app store type in the bible and do a small prayer to God asking to be shown the right app… and sure enough there it is… covers everything I need 🙂

 

I downloaded it – Bible in one year it’s called… It is created by a Paster and his wife, you are supplied with a Psalm (or Proverb) something from the New Testament, and something from the Old Testament… The Paster also gives comments on the passages so you can understand them more 🙂you can read it or listen to it or both 🙂  Perfect, just perfect…

 

So it’s downloaded…

 

I open it to today and this is what I see

 

The theme for the day – Be Honest With God

Psalm 12:1-8 – Ask God For Help

New Testament – Matthew 14:22-15:9 – Keep speaking to God in the Storm

Old Testament – Genesis 41:41-42:38 – Speak to God from the depths of your heart

 

 

My takeaways from this – I listened to/read it 5 times throughout the day…

 

God wants you to be honest with him.  He likes candor. He wants to hear what is on your heart today

 

If you ask for God to help you, from your heart, God will respond.  Don’t give God lip service, mean it…

‘Help, Lord’ is a great prayer at the start of the day as you ask God to guide you in all that you are involved in.

 

Lord, help me….

 

You may not always have the comfort of understanding what Jesus is doing or why he is letting life be the way it is, but you do have the comfort of knowing that he is in control…

 

In fact, Jesus’ first words to the disciples as he is walking on water are literally, ’Take courage! I AM. Don’t be afraid’ ‘I AM’ is the name of God in the Old Testament (exodus 3:14).  Jesus is telling the disciples, and us, that he is the great.  ‘I AM’, so there is no need to fear.  In whatever situation you are in today, this is a huge reassurance that Jesus is in control.

 

BUT one part I struggled with is this – Matthew 15:4

 

This caused me to really think about things… In my life, my father has walked away from his family and doesn’t want anything to do with us.  I have begged him several times but he is not interested… My mother is putting me through hell right now and I really can’t see me walking away from this wanting anything to do with her…

 

So I have lots of guilt around Matthew 15:4… I would like to think that I’m not actually cursing them, but I can’t honour them either 😞 😞

 

The comments from the Pastor who wrote the app says – The Scriptures make it clear that we should make it a high priority to look after our families – especially our parents…

 

I feel I have dedicated most of my life to my children and my sister and parents… but am currently being put through hell by them all… so I am wondering how do I make them a high priority when being around them causes pain and hurt?

 

 

I like that 🙂

 

Comments from the Paster who wrote the app..

 

 

 

I totally believe that I am going to ‘end up’ doing good and be in a ‘palace’.  I also have a belief/drive that I will live till I’m 105… so the message about Joseph starting his life’s work at the age of thirty applies to me but at the age of 49… I have been in training up until this point 🙂 This is WHY I MUST live till I’m 105…  😛

 

The next comment from the Paster is…

 

I don’t believe I have been bitter in times of suffering, I probably reach out to God more during these times… I do know that God is sovereign over my life… sometimes, I just wish he would act faster 🙂 🙂

 

The following message from the Paster is a perfect message for me 😉

 

 

 

I just love it 🙂

 

‘Take courage! I AM. Don’t be afraid ‘(Matthew 14:27)

 

My summary of all this is – You are not alone, lean on God, he will help share your burden… God sent me to this app, these passages of the bible… He has heard my plea for help and is telling me to trust in him…

 

After reading/listening to this a few times and trying to analyse it, I reached out to my Pastor to tell him what I had been doing… He sent me two bible passages to read…

 

“Trust in Jehovah with all thy heart, And lean not upon thine own understanding:” – ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5‬ ‭ASV‬‬ – https://www.bible.com/12/pro.3.5.asv

 

“(for we walk by faith, not by sight);” – ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭ASV‬‬ – https://www.bible.com/12/2co.5.7.asv

 

Then he asked me the question – What do you think the words “Trust” and “Faith” mean in this context?

 

This was my reply….

 

ok… so… 🙂 🙂

 

I have been thinking about this all morning… and once again I am torn…which means that I probably don’t totally ‘believe’… oh I don’t know…

 

Over the last 12 months, my life has progressively gotten worse and worse…. it is at the point now where I am going to basically have to sell everything and start again… when I look at the people in church I know that many of them have been through worse… but at the moment, I am really… I don’t know… I have family issues (which I am probably making worse by hiding from them.) I have money issues (which I’m probably making worse by hiding from them)… I am ‘searching’ for a solution… I have been talking to God about them, and I don’t think it’s about me not trusting him, it’s about me not trusting myself to see the signs that he is giving me… I am worried that he is going to send me ‘help’ and I am going to miss it 😞 although today’s have been very loud and clear ‘lean on me and trust in me’… 🙂

 

Last night and this morning (before I read this and spoke to you) I mentioned to two people that I feel lonely and that sometimes I wished I had a partner to share my burden with, someone to take the load and help me get through this mess as fast as possible with little damage…

 

THEN I was sent all this…

 

but to be honest, I’m scared of where all this is going… then, on the other hand, 100% KNOW that I will survive and will be ok and will even be better off…

 

I am so torn…

 

It’s like I’ve got a split personality… One part of me does Trust and have faith in God… 100%… I have a calmness and a knowing…

 

Another part of me is scared, nervous and doesn’t want to face the world and just wishes it will all just go away… and I’m getting desperate for a solution…

 

So that probably doesn’t answer your question 🙂 🙂

 

but it gives you insight into my tournament over the last few weeks 🙂